APES

zack, shell, woody, brisk, lex

Apes come into LAN 3 as the community sweethearts. It’s a weird sentence to even just write out. Maybe I’m in a fever dream. Maybe I meant ‘a group of autistic savants’ as Panther once said. Maybe the hopes of the CoD2 community, to dethrone Bricked, and stifle Janitorz and Sedated, somehow rest in the hands of a group of Rain Men. 

For some reason, this is also the first time people have collectively decided that Lex is actually a top player. Maybe it took this long because of his past association with Check 6, and as everyone knows, once you put on a Check 6 jersey, you basically become invisible to serious and/or positive analysis. But say what you want about him, the man is playing loose and fragging out, and he’s using that crisp Quake aim to farm teams. He’s found a team that will let him run around like CoD2 was meant to be played, and he’s playing the game at the highest level.

Then there’s Zack, whose LAN 3 storyline is very simple: is he cheating?  That was actually the storyline for LAN 1. Oh, and LAN 2 also. Well, we don’t know. Nobody knows. (Actually, a lot of people know.) But either way, it should end with some teams not bothering to shake his hand post-match. Dropping steady 20s and the occasional 30 on LAN apparently still isn’t enough to quiet the allegations. Zack is eternally hostage (lol) to those suspicions, and he’s in that ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ loop. And somehow, nobody feels even remotely bad for him. Chin up, champ.

Shell brings the kind of consistency you’d expect from a former professional gamer. It holds weight right up until you mention what game he actually played professionally. Still, it’s one of the most legitimate resumes at LAN outside of BCJ the Prince, and Tanaka, and we all know how that ended with Trizzy. Mentioning Tanaka in Shell’s paragraph feels almost poetic, considering Shell still doesn’t play Arches anymore because of the PTSD induced by the T-Man. (aka the Troyjan Horse)

And then there’s Brian, one of the best autistic scopes around, a player capable of turning five seconds of adderall-fueled gibberish into a round-winning play. Combine his opening-round reads with how well he understands late-round positioning, and Brian has quietly climbed the scope ranks into being one of the steadiest and most reliable players in the game. He’s a massive part of what makes this Ape squad work. They can only pray he doesn’t toggle his gamma bind mid-round out of habit.

Woody, the best shotgun in the game (according to himself), will be supporting his team with his crisp comms and his casual canadian forehanded and backhanded compliments. Woody finally found his boys. They let him lead and work out the rounds and counters, and play a version of the game he has a strong grasp on. The most honest man in the community (according to himself) will be the key to unlocking the later stages of the bracket for Apes. Strategically, can they withstand the pressure when their shots are not all hitting. The talent is there at every level and every position.

The biggest downside, if Apes do take it home, is that Woody and Zack might become absolutely unbearable. We’re talking months of victory laps, possibly years, with LAN 3 being brought up in completely unrelated conversations until everyone involved is either dead or has blocked them. 

Still, looking at some of the alternatives, that may simply be the price the community has to pay.

JANITORZ

harry, hostage, nytrix, gl4d, jayy

Janitorz comes into LAN 3 in a weird spot.

After a ?disappointing? finish at LAN 2 (second place, which admittedly wouldn’t be disappointing for about 90% of the field), the team seemed to lose a bit of its fire. They played less, took a step back, and for a while looked like a team that had spent a lot of energy chasing something that ultimately got stolen by Bricked. That’s the pain of being at the top consistently forever. Anything but winning is an under performance.

Recently though, they’ve started winning again. They haven’t dropped a cup in their latest pre-LAN run. Yes, Apes weren’t there. Yes, Bricked weren’t there. Put whatever asterisks you want beside it. But honestly, they still keep showing up and making it seem relatively easy. Quick edit, after last night’s cup, both Bricked (with ringer) and Apes were there. And Janitorz dismantled the competition without too much of a sweat.

Harold is still Harold. He’s found his role, and he’s good at it. More importantly, no matter how a round plays out, he can usually explain within five seconds why he made the correct play and why the guy who countered him is an idiot for playing the game that way in the first place. But Harold is a constant for Janitorz. Which they dearly need.

Hostage is one of the two biggest variables on the team. When he’s on, he looks like one of the most talented players in the game and, by default, a cheater, which seems to be a prerequisite for most great CoD2 players. If he can successfully complete the difficult pre-LAN task of remembering his own mouse settings (throwback LAN 1), Janitorz should already be in better shape.

If Janitorz are an equation, Nytrix is the ultimate constant. He’s constantly emo. But seriously, you know almost exactly what you’re getting, as pretty much every time, he’ll show up, do his job, put up his numbers and keep the whole thing from deviating off track. He’s the support beam of the whole Janitorz household. Switching scope on and off him is a good way to stabilize and give teams different looks which frees Hostage up to do Hostage things.

Gl4d is another major variable. Normal Gl4d is already very good. On-fire Gl4d is a completely different problem, and when both he and Hostage hit at the same time, Janitorz ceiling changes from “competitive” to “unstoppable”. The question will always be, which Gl4d comes to play today? The HighNoon vs M80 breakout Gl4d, or the unchained Matmata animal that comes to terrorize East and A alley.

And then there’s Jay, another constant for Janitorz. Smart, experienced, French, and usually a little more patient than everyone around him would like. Some say he’s too smart for his own good, but playing against him can be a psychological nightmare when you’re constantly wondering what corner he can be lurking from or proned in. Second LAN around, I expect bigger and better things from him, and his expectations for himself are most likely double that.

That’s probably the simplest way to look at Janitorz. Harold, Nytrix and Jay are likely going to give you, roughly, what you expect. The real question is what kind of value they get out of Hostage and Glad. And whether that’s pressure or expectations, the logic behind Janitorz success comes down to this: if the variables, Hostage and Glad, show up hot, Janitorz have a very solid chance of taking LAN 3 home.

THE MODERN AUTOMOBILE

eric, nightmare, roflcakes, jocco, kurupt

Modern are, if anyone didn’t know, an Eric-built collection of weird human beings that probably shouldn’t work together nearly as well as they do.

At this point, Eric “2shoes” has basically perfected his role as the community’s retard whisperer. Give him four questionable personalities and enough time, and he’ll come back with a roster that can take maps off teams it probably shouldn’t. Eric, an ex-cheater who somehow reinvented himself as one of the community’s most enthusiastic cheating investigators, teaches us a strong lesson about rehabilitation and projection. 

Nightmare is the new acquisition and probably the only genuinely reassuring part of this lineup. Great scope, great guy, and a rare patch of daylight in an otherwise shadowy assortment of humanoids. He has been fragging consistently, and his comms and safe-play keeps the late rounds on lock, and that’s essential for a team like Modern who can be risk takers.

Roflcakes remains solid as a rifler and permanently attached to his mouse through army-grade grip tape. If he plays with confidence, he can pull through a couple of rounds for his smoothbrain squad. Whether he’s reloading a corner or clutching a crisp 1v2 on the account of his aim, the man will always have one finger dangerously close to a bind reminding everyone that “booty is like water in jail.”

Kurupt has played something like 1,100 PUGs in the last year, which at this point is less dedication… and more of a neurological condition. Whatever LSD and quaaludes did to him, apparently it also removed the part of the brain that gets tired of playing with randoms(retards).  The man has grinded his mechanics down to a fine edge and hopefully for his team, not down to a stump.

And then there’s Jocco. Self-proclaimed national treasure in Czechia. Permanent black sheep in North America. Right down Eric’s alley. If ICE doesn’t stop him from crossing the border, there’s always a chance his own cooking gets to him first. His food pictures look like evidence submitted after a kitchen-related crime, and yet he posts every plate with the confidence of a thousand suns. Almost commendable. And in-game, not much has changed either. Shotgun, W key, complete faith in whatever bad decision he makes next.

Modern have had enough small flashes of success that you can’t completely dismiss them, but nobody really trusts this squad to do anything important.

Then again, nobody really trusts an Eric roster until it starts actually beating people. But you’d be hard pressed to find more doubters of The Modern Automobile, wishing they’d crash and burn, and engulfed in a sea of flames.

UNKNOWN PLAYERS

trump, caseman, timmer, sixxer, 1200

UP have had a bit of a turbulent road into LAN 3.

Caseman, arguably the psychological leader/mental terrorist of the team, disappeared for a while when Check 6 was looking for any able-bodied human to fill a role, and took the time to apparently rehabilitate his own life, before eventually making his way back to his high school sweethearts. His return probably gives UP some much-needed stability, although “stability” for this team has meant playing every Allied round like planting the bomb is a morally questionable act.

They’ve also added Timmer on shotgun, who is basically everything you’d want in a teammate and a person. Great guy, easy to play with, no obvious personality defects. Unfortunately, he has now been inserted into UP, a team whose entire philosophy could probably be summarized as: “Chill, we still have 45 seconds.”

1200 has taken over the scope from Sixxer, although changing the scope hasn’t exactly changed the DNA of the team, 12 is a solid addition. Sixxer now gets more freedom to move around, roam, and occasionally try to make something happen before everyone else has finished discussing whether taking map control is worth the risk.

And then there’s Trump, community sweetheart, and returning biological threat. After successfully importing disease from Europe at the last LAN, the only real question is what he brings to the table this time. Hopefully for us, it’s not another excuse to avoid casting, and if it is, hopefully he can transmit it to Panther.

Playing against UP remains one of the least enjoyable experiences in competitive NA CoD2. Not because they overwhelm you, but because they force you to sit on your ass for a minute and 45 seconds while they carefully consider every possible option before eventually doing the thing everyone knew they were going to do anyway.

To be fair, Trump has recently said in an interview that the community will be surprised at the changes of pace that UP can now bring, and I believe him. And quick edit before the release, after their solid performance in the Pre-LAN Cup, I think the boys are ready for a deep run into Sunday afternoon.

But Caseman is back, Sixxer has more freedom, and Timmer and 12 give them pieces that actually make sense. Depending on what assortment of gamer mouse Trump chooses, he might actually have a meaningful impact this time around and the UP squad might just be the resilient dark horse this LAN needs.

CAL-AC

zyk, berry, magnum, justsam, icono

An interesting mix of individuals come together just before the final bell to provide a formidable foe. Another zyk roster lands him in unfamiliar territory. With the last few, you kind of knew what you were getting.

Nemesis had clear goals ahead of LAN2, and delivered what was expected. SpawnX had high hopes and dreams, and their peak was quite strong. With how much time CAL-AC has been given, there are still quite a few unknowns. But most would agree that their fate is still largely in their hands. The only thing holding this team back with this mix of players is the notion that they have 3 scopes on the roster.

If they can play to their individual abilities. Play-ins (and therefore playoffs) should be in play for them. If they aren’t able to steal an upset from either Modern or Unknown Players, this teams hopes will rely fully on beating Ultra aka Piggies for the 5th place spot in Group A. After their GOTN NightCup 17 debacle, nothing will be a gimmie for this team. They will need a solid effort on Saturday.

zyk – The mastermind behind this squad, and first french canadian listed, brings a fun mix to LAN 3. The former Janitor, who boasts a fine number of online wins, has been able to find relative success on LAN with multiple rosters. The orchestrator and all around solid play from him will be needed for this team to progress. His experience and mind for the game will be a controlling piece that can propel them forward. If it doesn’t go their way, expect a desk slam or two to reverb through GameArena.

berry – Joining zyk on this roster brought over from Nemesis is the nade/plant king himself. The Philly Phanatic was a formidable shotgun at LAN 2, and will need his experience to help guide this side in a few days in Columbus. After a stint as the 5th for Bricked Up online earlier this year, he’ll get to boast and bring that top tier experience that will hopefully help get this team to where they need to be. A lot will be on the AFCA founders shoulders.

magnum – The man who was clearly the best player on a sub-par team will have a chance to prove himself at LAN 3. The role may be different, but if he can adjust and play to the level he knows how to; he can be a big boost for the team. Alongside berry, another early 2000’s veteran ramps up the experience factor for CAL-AC.

icono – We aren’t sure what size shoes he wears, and that sort of foreshadows what we can expect for his role on the team. A formidable scope on a strong modern side, he was unfortunately let go after having a kid earlier this year. While game time may not be what he would have liked it to be, that kind of leaves his performance up in the air for LAN3. If he can breakout, and play to the top of his range, it could propel this team further than anyone expects. A true wildcard, we’ll find out his shoe size this weekend.

justsam – The second french canadian (who somehow once again is paired with the AFCA founder) joins this team after saying he wasn’t going to LAN. A former goon, the man is known to have the grind gene in him, but ultimately may have been burned out from his lack of COD4. On his day, the man can frag, and they’ll need his best this weekend.

Guest author – Telly

PIGGIES

tripel, phreak, prides, finessed, cannon

Trying to write an Ultra preview requires first figuring out who the fuck is actually on Ultra. Oh wait, they’re known as ‘Piggies’ now. By the time this article comes out they’ll probably have another identity crisis and another team name to go with it.

After roughly 12 roster changes, three rebuilds and what feels like an open tryout lasting the entire pre-LAN period, we’ve somehow arrived at Finessed, Cannon, Phreak, and Prides, to accompany Tripel.

One person who won’t be surviving this identity crisis is Mack, who has unfortunately decided to skip LAN 3 in an apparent attempt to save his marriage. A respectable decision for his personal life, but a devastating development for everyone hoping to see the Panther bet actually materialize.

Prides is the next Slushey, sitting in spawn pretending to have an impact. But no one will deny that the man can aim and win his 1v1s. Finessed dropped the controller to compete with a mouse and keyboard and is doing surprisingly well. Cannon is going to be looked at with as much scrutiny as Zack will, and some would argue that’s a good thing. Phreak brings in experience, as the man has attended all 3 LANs religiously since the Dallas debacle with Here2Party.

We all wish Tripel the best in his ongoing recovery from being a raging alcoholic. Hopefully this time around we can also secure a straitjacket before he makes it anywhere near the casting booth. Say what you want about the man, but he is a lovable human being and has gotten much much better over time, and he can definitely lead this group of young men to the play-in bout.

So the bet is off, the marriage lives to fight another day, and ‘Piggies’ arrives at LAN with questionable but very possible chances to make it to play-ins.

HOGAN’S HEROES

hero, nova, slv, smurfy, joonlis

Hogan’s Heroes are attending LAN 3. And attending is the accurate word to describe the boys, because these guys probably won’t be competing for much, outside of who can rack up the biggest bar tab. It should be a grand finale between Mutiny and them on who finances the next set of renovations at the Game Arena in Columbus.

Hogan’s Heroes don’t have much of a shot inside the server. We’ve seen them take down Mutiny online, for some reason, in a blowout, so we can’t exactly write them off, but anything  close to that might feel like we’re entering miracle territory. Nova is a solid addition to the team, a good decent family, as well as exquisite vibes, and a plethora of competitive FPS experience. We at GoTN, wish him a healthy and productive LAN, without any hospital bills.

But Tom ‘Hero’ Hogan is a miracle man of some sorts, and we can’t put it past him to lead. I have no idea who is precisely on this team so forgive my transgressions of cutting this one short. 

A quote, from the Hoganator. “My brothers of the sword! I would rather fight beside you than any army of thousands! Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions! Do you know what’s waiting beyond that Columbus lan center? Immortality! Take it! It’s yours!”

You know Tom will be the heart and soul of this LAN either way. Anything CoD2 related would just take away from that fact.

GROUP B RELEASED TOMORROW